for lolo

my lolo died a few weeks ago. he was quite old, 90 to be exact. we kinda knew his time was coming and when it did i was not surprised. it was a shame that i never got to know him. for me, he was my lolo who always had the white hair, wore plain colored t-shirts and leather slippers. i don't even remember how his voice sounded like. as i lie awake in bed, i tried to remember memories i had with him. i tried so hard but i couldn't get anything. looking back, i don't think i even remember him smiling at me. and in the stillness of the night, i cried. i cried because i couldn't remember. how did i forget? i was a little kid when they left for America and when they came back in Manila i was already seventeen or eighteen. i had one memory of him though. it was raining that day when he accidentally slipped and hit his head on the ground. his head bled and we rushed him to the hospital. i got scared but i put up a very strong front. i really wanted to take care of him but i just didn't want to stay. the hospital made me sick. i hated the smell and i went back home. that was the only thing i remembered of him. but that's not the kind of thing i wanted to remember him by. it wasn't cheerful at all. and looking back, that was all i can remember. i'm not sure if i miss him and i don't know if i ever will. but he was my lolo; my father's father. somehow i felt close to him in spite the distance that grew over the years. but trying to remember effervescent memories that were not actually there in the first place is hard. he died peacefully and for a second i wish i was there holding his hand.